Being a 20-something doesn’t exactly come with a rule book. It’s a decade filled with the unknown and you step into it barely an adult, just trying to work your way through it as best you can. For some, this looks like settling down with a partner and getting stuck into a career. For others, it’s travel, and excitement, late nights filled with poor decisions and stories to tell friends. For all of us, it’s a time in our lives that completely shapes us as people. When I turned 28, I had no idea that life would’ve held quite so much for me in those 8 years. It’s fair to say I’ve had some ups – perhaps more of the downs – and life has been a bit of a whirlwind. Yet I still have a fondness for my 20s and everything they have taught me so far. So, whilst I still have two years left in this decade, I thought I’d reminisce on the years so far before I tick that ‘30 and over’ box!

You’re not supposed to know what you’re doing

Everywhere I look, there are inspirational articles about how we shouldn’t stress in our 20s because no one truly knows what is going on, and I can’t tell you how much of a relief that is! It’s easy to believe other people your age seemingly have it all sorted, but the truth is, we’re all just making it up as we go along. Some of us are just doing a much better job of pretending than others! (*coughs* I am *coughs*)

I know, this can be hard to swallow, especially with the likes of vloggers making millions when they’re barely out of school. But believe me when I say, they don’t really know what they’re doing either. They just stumbled upon something they loved, and it ended up catapulting them to where they are now. That happened for them in their 20s, but for many of us, we find that path much later. Look at Oprah, fired as a reporter at 23. Harrison Ford, still a carpenter at 30. You have your whole life to figure it out. Your 20s are for finding what sets your soul on fire and chasing that with everything you’ve got. The rest will come, I promise.

Heartbreak in your late 20s is even more crushing because you thought you’d already found the one

Every single one of my past relationships has been long-term because I always go into one with the intention of being with this person until the end of time. But, of course, it rarely turns out that way. Or, actually, it never turned out that way.

To put it simply, relationships can be challenging, especially during your 20s. A long-term one can even be far more testing when both people are still learning about themselves, what they want, what their strengths are, and where their weaknesses may lie.

Sometimes, you both find out that what you want isn’t what the other person wants. Or you come to realize that one person’s individual struggles or issues outweigh the mutual effort a serious relationship requires to work.

More often than not, a relationship ends because two people are on incompatible paths. They are at different points on their journey, and their trajectory just doesn’t line up right now.

Timing is probably the ultimate deciding factor in whether a relationship in our 20s works out, or not, as the case may be.

And… it’s not always the person! We can be with someone we truly love, respect, admire, and wish the best for, but if they want to move halfway around the world and you aren’t quite ready for that, then your timing was off. It hurts (obviously).

But each relationship offers you the chance to grow and helps you learn exactly what it is you need from a soulmate. And what you can bring to the table.

Relationships are often messy. However, it’s when they’re messiest that we learn the most. No matter how painful or hard it is in the moment, eventually we can look back and remember what we loved about a relationship and partner — and clearly see why it didn’t work out between us and them.

All these hurts and lessons that we learn from those people who were supposed to be with us forever are worth it because we grow. We discover our boundaries and what we absolutely don’t want in a partnership. We also get to spend time alone and fall in love with the one person who truly will always be there no matter what: ourselves. So, when the right person does eventually come along, it’s a conscious choice, rather than settling for someone who isn’t quite right. That’s what the fairytales never teach you, and it will lead to the greatest romance of all!

Oh, and above all, you can love and give everything you have, but if the other person doesn’t know what he wants, let alone isn’t sure of you, LEAVE.

Also read: When do you fight and when do you let go?

Failing is a gift

I’ve been rejected and failed numerous times throughout my life. It’s almost as if big and small failures follow me around wherever I go *pats self on the back*. Certainly, I have failed more than I have succeeded.

Yes, it’s cliché, but I wouldn’t be where I am today without going through what seemed like HUGE failures. I figured they are so fundamental to our basic needs because they arouse the fire within us. They compel us to dive headfirst into our passion and make it a reality.

At the time, it felt like chunks were being ripped away from me, but now I realize we’re all like sculptures, and our experiences just sand away the edges until we find our truest form. This doesn’t mean that as soon as you reach 30, you’re no longer allowed to fail. Far from it. It just feels like failing in your twenties is a badge of honor, and the prize is a deeper level of self-awareness. While it may seem embarrassing at the time, the greatest gift you can ever give yourself is a chance to connect with who you are when life isn’t going swimmingly. Because it’s that person that will shine even brighter in the moments when life gives you a win.

The lesson that I decided to pull from all my rejections is to look for a higher calling in those failures. The good news is that I now understand the root causes of everything that happened. I was able to break the cycle of believing that being rejected at something meant I was a failure. It wasn’t the end of the world, but it was a problem that I could face and find a solution to. I also realized that while something may seem like a door slamming in your face, it’s actually just gently nudging you to something even greater!

Being turned down will bring us to the best opportunities that we will never see coming. It is a blessing. A proof that a beautiful and greater plan is being hatched in the background. That is the beautiful way trust works. When we trust in the plan, we move through life with a sense of excitement, amusement, and wonder. They will never block out our feelings of fear or uncertainty, but without them, the joy wouldn’t feel as sweet. 🙂

You are made of gold-plated armor

Especially in your early 20s, you feel like nothing will ever touch you. Then, as you grow older, you’re suddenly acutely aware of your own fragility. The fleshy skin, the delicacy of our bones, as I propel forward towards my 30s, I know I can’t as easily bounce back.

In your 20s, you do things so fearlessly; you dive in and look later, but gradually you get scrapes and bumps along the way that remind you that you aren’t quite as untouchable as you thought. I used to think that was the worst thing imaginable. That there was a weakness in growing older but my goshhh, is there a strength. A resilience that you are only awarded once you rank up a few years. So yes, the beauty industry may celebrate baby faced beauties and unblemished skin, but I choose to wear all those scars with pride. I’ve earned every mark, both emotional and physical, and they’ve made me the woman I am today. So, I’m here. Not unscathed, but fighting, and that’s good enough for me.

The quarter-life crisis

This may seem like a funny one to reminisce about, but all kinds of wisdom are to be found when you think your life is over, only to discover that it’s simply just beginning.

I know how it is though. With the rise of social media and young people like Greta Thunberg doing incredible things whilst you’re sitting unemployed in your parents’ house, it’s hard not to feel inadequate. Then, when 25 hits and you’re not a globally recognized environmental activist, your brain starts to play tricks on you. It whispers all kinds of unhelpful and horrible things to convince you that you aren’t good enough. So, if you’re 25 right now and having a meltdown because you’re worried that your life is over before you’ve achieved anything, have faith.

Keep getting out of bed and just trying your best, because that’s all any of us can ever do. And one day, I promise, something will click. Which is exactly why I’ll miss it. Because yes, it all feels so incredibly hard sometimes, but the reality is, you’re 25 and you have the rest of your life to be someone. For now, just focus on being you, because I guarantee that person is already pretty cool, whether you believe me or not.

Also read: Why I stopped reading guides on how to deal with a quarter-life crisis

You have yet to discover your true calling

Look, no one has everything figured out. Everyone is constantly looking for what they want from life. What we wanted at 21 may be very different from what we want now. And that’s okay! As we grow, meet new people, travel to unfamiliar places, everything we experience can potentially change our perspective and priorities. So don’t feel like you’re wasting time by trying something new that you’ve never done before. Keep exploring!

We all have different timelines, and what’s more important than having every small detail hammered out is being able to feel like we’re learning more about ourselves as we move through each year of our 20s. Continuous self-reflection is how we discover what we really want.

If you ever feel bad that you’re not in the place you envisioned, take note of how you’re feeling, and then use that dissatisfaction to check in with your goals, habits, and relationships. Sincerely assess the things you’re currently surrounding yourself with and ask yourself if they’re actually serving your growth and helping you become the person you want to be.

It can be painful to look back on your 20s and feel like you’ve wasted time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt this way. It’s like I’m behind and may never catch up. But the hard reality is that we can never reclaim what time has been lost. We can only choose to make the most of the time we have. Thankfully, 28 is still very young! Even though it doesn’t always feel that way, we still have so much time to figure out our lives.

So while it can be downright depressing to consider all the time that’s passed and feel like you haven’t spent it wisely, remind yourself that you still have a lot of time left — and a lot of opportunities to make real, meaningful changes in your life.

Try to view those lower-achieving years as invaluable lessons because if you learned just one thing about yourself, then the time wasn’t wasted at all.

We all have different definitions of success and wealth in life

Who was it that set out a series of guidelines around what defined success? Because I want to have a word with them! I don’t think I know anyone in their 20s who can actually say that they are *really* successful. Even the ones with the houses, cars, and the fancy jobs, we’re all still chasing something that doesn’t really exist, right? Why? So we can put one of those smug ‘new home’ photos on Instagram? To impress our 300 followers, most of whom we went to school with and never spoke to again! That pressure will never go away completely, but you have control over how you frame it. You get to define what success looks like.

For me, well, I don’t own a car or a house, there’s no life partner kicking around, and I’m not exactly some high-flying surgeon with bags of cash. I’m limited in funds, but I’m eternally grateful to be rich in a non-material sense. At most, I see this through the memories (both good and bad) and experiences I have, especially when I’m out there, following my heart, dream, and passion, seeing the world, immersing myself in cultures other than my own, and even being tested by life’s most difficult challenges. I’ve made so many memories that I believe many people my age haven’t had the opportunity to make, which is truly humbling because it forces me to learn more every day how to practice being grateful and appreciative in our rather imperfect life.

In the early years of my 20s, I started to learn that money doesn’t necessarily make us happy. I know, I know there’s a lot of talk about this. I mean, at the end of the day, we all need money to do our thing, right? But, what I’m trying to say here is that, I’ve realized that during the hours I’ve spent stressing about how I’m not achieving those life goals that society tells us we should’ve reached by now, I’ve missed out on living. I could’ve made so many more memories and probably been a lot happier if I chased joy instead, if I choose my version of success to be how many times I’ve laughed this week, if I counted experience in the same way I do money, or if I climbed a mountain with the same eagerness as the career ladder. There’s a whole world to discover outside of those boundaries we’ve set for ourselves!

Take risks. Always give your all to everything so you don’t have any regrets.

The most common answer people give when asked on their deathbeds if they have any regrets is all the things they didn’t do.

People always say, “Say yes to everything.” Yes to a coffee date, yes to a spontaneous holiday with your friends, yes to a leaflet. Because you never know what you might discover there.

I need to preface this with a warning about burnout. While taking risks, jumping in, and staying busy are important to a fulfilled life, self-care is too. It’s okay to take evenings of baths and alone time to recharge, just make sure you jump out from under that duvet ready to take on life again. Because if you’re going to battle, you need to be your best self.

I get it, though. There’s comfort in the comfort zone. Nothing can hurt us there. But death gets us all in the end – it’s the circle of life, right? – and I don’t know about you, but I want to go out knowing I couldn’t have done any more. That I said yes to those trips that make me nervous or those things that I would love to do but “don’t have the confidence for”. What’s the worst that could happen? Sure, you could fail. But I wonder how that moment of failure compares to the feeling of regret. For me, it’s no contest!

Your mental health is GREATLY affected by where you live

Your mum was on to something when she made you clean your room (don’t tell her that though!). The environment that you’re in can hugely affect your mental wellbeing.

As you move around in your 20s, this really becomes apparent. Perhaps a sunny holiday boosted your mood, only for it to plummet when you arrived back home. Or maybe working from home during the pandemic left you desperate to work in a room with less clutter everywhere. I know that after living in Dubai for 4 years, the city environment really crushed my soul. I lost my creativity and even my drive to do things that I used to enjoy.

It’s not just me either. Studies show how important a connection to nature is to our mental health. Practices like grounding, where you walk barefoot on the earth, can bring untold amounts of joy to your body. Even nurturing a houseplant can give you that much-needed relationship with mother earth.

We all spend so much time in cities. We’re taught that’s where success is, and many of us flock there to get a foot in the door of the world’s most competitive industries. But at what cost? New York is the city that never sleeps, and at 28, that sounds torturous. Sure, late-night parties are exciting, but so are 4 a.m. sunrises. Try not to be so busy chasing a beautiful life that you miss the natural beauty around you! 🙂

Always choose who you surround yourself with, and having a few friends is better

One quote that always sticks with me is “Your vibe attracts your tribe”. The energy you put out is often what you’ll get back. We’ve all experienced those co-workers who make your shift so much better because they make everyone upbeat. Well, it works the other way too.

We’ve all heard that saying that we are the sum of the five people we spend the most time with, and I think that’s accurate. While it is often presented as a business phrase to force us to level up and cut people off, it can also be prescribed on a soul level. We can’t help but be susceptible to the vibes and opinions of those around us. It’s like osmosis and eventually we will soak it up, so it’s up to us to choose which thoughts we would like to absorb.

When you start to become more protective of this, you find that friends begin to fall away. Whether it’s you behaving differently that puts them off or you actively choose to spend less time with them, it happens. Not everyone is supposed to be in your life forever, and it’s much better to have a handful of amazing friends who always cheer you on than ones who bring you down.

Anything could happen

Your 20s are chaos. I look back now at a life I never knew was going to happen. Even the most organized and structured individuals can’t plan everything. Life is messy, but that’s what makes it wonderful. It can be terrifying, don’t get me wrong. Especially at 20, looking at an expanse of 10 years and not truly knowing where you’re going to be at the end of it, or even who you’ll be. If my 20s are anything to go by, it will be a wild journey, and at times, it won’t be that fun. But that feeling of the unknown is so exciting. You don’t yet have those huge ties or responsibilities, and life could literally take you anywhere. Embrace that, because you don’t realize how cathartic that freedom is until you don’t quite have it anymore.

Now, as I write this, I wonder if perhaps I’m more ready to leave this part of my life behind than I feel. My 20s have certainly given me enough lessons to last a lifetime – or a decade, should I say – and I think I’ve nearly had my fill of all they have to offer. The thing about getting older is that you don’t really have a choice in the matter. That number keeps going up whether you’re ready or not, and you can either cling desperately to the past or allow life to whisk you down its path, knocking the obstacles out of the way as you go.

For now, though, I’ll continue diving in headfirst and failing along the way until life decides I’m ready to level up to the next decade.

What will you miss about your 20s? 🙂