When I entered my 20s, I thought life would be beautiful, lively, even simple. Movies tend to showcase people in their 20s as living carelessly, flirting with the idea of “adulting”, and walking around the city with an overpriced iced coffee in their hands. And as I finally entered my 20s, I felt that initial bliss – no longer a teenager, but not too old yet. Young enough to live life and have new experiences, but old enough to do things the way I want to; who wouldn’t want anything else? But how do we really go about the quarter-life crisis that comes with entering your 20s?

I noticed that I was faced with constant questions by my peers and older family members about my plans for the rest of my life. Which jobs am I applying for? Who am I going to marry? When am I going to have kids? The questions seem never-ending. As this era of uncertainty entered my life, I found myself reeling for answers and begging myself, God, and my loved ones for help along the way. Of course, no one can decide what my life will be like except for me, but I began to feel desperate. I had never thought about the severity of the answers to these questions before.

As a result, the quarter-life crisis sank in. In a panic, I found myself searching for answers about how to get out of the crisis: I asked my friends and family for their advice, I scoured the internet for answers, and bought self-help books. But at the end of the day, nothing that anyone told me to do helped.

This was when I realized I had to stop asking others for ways to deal with this and start looking within.

So when did the quarter-life crisis become a thing for me?

i think we usually don’t realize we are in the midst of a quarter-life crisis until someone else brings it to our attention. for me, this realization manifested in a few ways.

first, i started getting questions about the future of my life from peers and older family members. it seemed as though their questions unlocked a part of my brain that kept repeating the same phrase over and over: “i don’t know.” and then, uncertainty entered.

uncertainty can be overwhelming, especially when it seeps into every aspect of your life. i remember the first night it sank in. i was lying in bed, daydreaming about the later parts of my life—the parts where everything is together, and all is well. it felt blissful to think about that inevitable part of life where things fall into place; after all, we’re all going to end up okay at some point, right? but then, the existential dread crept in. how am i going to get there? what do i need to do today to ensure i reach that peaceful point? will i even get there? (spoiler: the short answer is yes, for sure!)

the problem with uncertainty is that it often brings its friends—anxiety and hopelessness—into the mix. while uncertainty is a normal, even helpful feeling when compartmentalized, we, as humans, often misinterpret it. uncertainty nudges us to seek more information about a given situation, but instead of seeing it for what it is, we let anxiety and hopelessness take over. these feelings, often without our consent, unravel our emotions, self-esteem, and overall mental health.

if we could understand uncertainty for the pivotal role it plays in our lives, we could halt anxiety and hopelessness in their tracks. instead, we could dig deeper into why uncertainty is present in our lives, especially in our 20s. this perspective shift could help us find more answers, create attainable goals, and minimize the impact of the quarter-life crisis.

another contributor to to this (again, stating this from my own experience) is the comparison game. I talked about my experience and the severity of comparison in my post here and how it can impact the way we view ourselves. when it comes to a quarter-life crisis, comparison makes us feel as though we’re lacking answers, life skills, or experiences.

i remember a time when i looked at my high school and college peers and saw that many of them seemed to have their lives together. some were getting married, others were having children, and still others were making major strides in their careers. i felt very behind in life, but i didn’t know why or what to do about it.

could i realistically handle having a child right now? no. could i manage the pressure and financial impact of a wedding? no. am i at a point where my current job could sustain me for the rest of my life? no.

so why did their life choices make me feel less successful?

now, i can answer this question: we all have our own journeys, created specifically for us.

unfair comparisons often breed feelings of inadequacy and invite crises, especially when we’re in our 20s and still have our whole lives ahead of us.

so, what can i do to manage a quarter-life crisis without relying on the opinions of others? and what can i do for my overall well-being?

I have to look within

the ultimate reason i stopped reading how-to guides on overcoming a quarter-life crisis is that i realized, while none of us have control over our destiny—only god does—the life-altering decisions and difficult choices we make daily determine the path we walk. my quarter-life crisis had everything to do with my own outlook on life, rather than what others thought i should do with it.

are you going to let your destiny be shaped by how you see the world, how your peers or family perceive you, or will you let god fully take control and seek wisdom to make the right choices you are in charge of?

once, i dealt with a tragic breakup in a single day. the catalyst for this was that i had allowed him to control my life instead of making decisions for myself. i lost who i was, becoming someone unrecognizable. when he realized i was broken beyond repair, he left.

at first, i felt betrayed. how could someone who claimed to love me leave when i was at my lowest? but as time passed, i realized it was bigger than him.

i had betrayed myself. i had let go of the girl i once adored and protected, and i didn’t let her come back home. how did i come to this understanding? through weeks and months of solitude after the breakup.

i began to identify the emotions that were running rampant within me and understood that only i could pull myself out of the crisis. unmet needs weren’t because my ex was a bad person but because i had abandoned myself in the process of becoming who i thought i should be.

this need to look within directly correlates to dealing with a quarter-life crisis.

the only way to pull ourselves out of a quarter-life crisis is by understanding ourselves on a deeper level than knowing surface-level things like our favorite color or movie. we need to understand why we feel the way we feel. this takes practice, but my advice is to start by identifying the emotion you’re feeling and asking yourself, “what is making me feel this way?”

honesty is key. sometimes, i feel unnecessarily sad, and instead of freaking out, i ask, “why do i feel this way?” the answers often enlighten me.

in my opinion, a quarter-life crisis is inevitable. the transition from our teens to our 20s is hardcore, even ruthless. we are expected to go from minors to full-fledged adults and actively pursue our dreams and goals, which can feel overwhelming! however, we can diminish the impact by being honest and open with ourselves.

if we can’t identify our own feelings and triggers, how can we expect online guides or the input of others to truly help us?

“i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (john 10:10)

i have learned to be my biggest advocate in my experience with a quarter-life crisis. however, i could not have gotten to where i am now without my faith. i see it as a blessing that god has given us free will to shape our lives as we choose. with god, i have learned that i can attain my goals. he gives me the strength to wake up every day and strive to be the best version of myself—and that is beautiful!

if i’m not my biggest fan, then who will be?

at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that we can take charge of the situations we face. a quarter-life crisis, for example, will not resolve itself. i know i must remain present and open to living the life god has blessed me with in order to overcome these struggles. i implore others to feel the same for themselves!

forrest gump once said, “life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get.” while that worked for him, we have the power to change that for ourselves. we can remove the uncertainty of “you never know what you’re going to get” and actively work toward a life we want and know we will achieve.

i am rooting for myself. and i am rooting for you to find your inner peace in the midst of your quarter-life crisis.

are you rooting for yourself too? 🙂