Now this is a heavy thing for me to talk about. I’m guilty of it, and I’m tired of denying it, so what you’re about to read is part of my attempt to break free from it, to pull myself out of the isolation that continues to prevent me from experiencing a full and abundant life.

the role that comparison plays in our lives

They say comparing yourself to others is part of the human experience. It’s not inherently a bad thing—there’s a lot that can be learned from observing how other people go about this game of life, from something as simple as the outfits they wear to something as significant as a career path they choose. Comparison can act as a tool to help us gauge our own personal progress, to self-reflect on our decisions, and to ask ourselves if there are any changes we might want to make in our daily lives.

In certain cases, it can also reduce a lot of anxiety and uncertainty­—life is hard, and sometimes it can feel like we’re somehow doing it wrong. When you think about it, looking at what others are doing is a natural response to this, as having that point of reference can help assuage the doubts that come with learning how to navigate adulthood. This is especially true for all of us twenty- and thirty-somethings that are going through some pretty big life changes—graduating from college, living on our own for the first time, navigating relationships, starting a new job, and so much more. I can be certain that many of us are in a major transitional period, and it’s normal to try and find something that can act as a guiding light along the way.

the source of my insecurity that robs me of my identity

At one point, I’ve realized that comparing myself to others becomes less of a source of comfort, and more like an emotional burden that ultimately interferes with my confidence and sense of self-worth. Too much comparison can become toxic rather than helpful. I begin to think of all of the things I’m missing, or all of the things that are wrong with me—my looks, my personality, my career, my relationships. The focus becomes all about what is lacking from my life rather than what I already have. I begin to doubt the choices I’ve made—did I pick the wrong school? Is this the right city for me to live in? Do I even like my job? I go from being content to completely uncertain, and truthfully, overwhelmed with how many choices there are in life, and how many ways I could have chosen “wrong.”

It’s never been easier to go overcompare than in the modern age of technology, where we get an intimate, front row view into thousands of people’s lives. While I’m scrolling down seemingly endless social media feeds, I catch these feelings of inadequacy beginning to creep up. Cruel, intrusive thoughts like “I wish I looked more like her”, “I wish I’ve done the same”, and “Why can’t I have what they have?” pop into my head with each and every post I see. Everyone seems to be flaunting a better life, and something seems to be missing from my own. But what?

time for a quick confession

If you read my previous post, you will recall that I mentioned a part in which I discussed my rejected employment visa in Germany. And, to date, it appears that I’m still struggling to move on.

I have a good friend with whom I am finding it increasingly difficult not to compare myself these days. For a short time, our stories were eerily similar. She, like me, applied for an employment visa, was initially denied, and then appealed. She was even kind enough to help me with my appeal paperwork and provide me with the contact of the lawyer who successfully represented (and won) her in her case. I expected the appeal to be successful because my friend’s had been, so I figured what could go wrong? Then again, it was a different outcome for me.

She’s now happily living in Germany, and essentially gotten what I’d wished and prayed for so badly. The part I despise the most is how many times I considered unfollowing her because it was affecting my mental health, but I couldn’t because I kept telling myself that it’s wrong (I should rejoice in my friends’ victories), and that I should instead focus on fixing my own mindset.

The issue, you see, isn’t with her. It isn’t anyone. The issue is the lie. The lie that makes me feel and think that I am not and will never be good enough. It’s the lie telling me that I should keep myself busy by comparing my life experiences and achievements to those of others. I’m so embarrassed by how I feel that I cried to my boyfriend last night and told him that I feel stupid and lame for feeling this way because I know it’s wrong—this behavior is enslaving me because it confines me in a prison of lies.

And it hurts… because it feels as though I ran the same race, only they didn’t let me cross the finish line.

In moments like these, I try to remind myself of a piece of advice someone once gave me: just because you think it, doesn’t automatically make it true.

Continuing with the example of my friend, I thought that everything in her life must be amazing following the beginning of a new journey. These thoughts have only intensified now that I am in Germany, albeit only for a short visit, and am haunted every day by the fact that my 90 days are soon coming to an end. But I have to remind myself that often the limited knowledge we have about a person, or more accurately, what we see of them online, is just the highlight reel. In reality, we have no idea what others are going through. And yes, I know that’s a cliché thing to say, but they’re clichés for a reason: they are often correct.

Just because I felt as thought she got it and I didn’t doesn’t mean that was the case. That visa may have not been granted to me but that doesn’t mean I’m worse off than my friend or that I’m falling behind.

Just because I thought it didn’t automatically make it true.

Admittedly, I still have to repeat this to myself often, like a mantra, because sometimes it’s difficult to convince myself of it. I’m still learning how to grapple with these feelings of insecurity, self-doubt and worthlessness that come up whenever I compare myself to others. I suppose it’s a lesson I’ll have to keep learning. Even better, it’s a tool for directing my life and enlightening my self-awareness.

On top of everything else, the pandemic only makes it harder to avoid self-comparison—we’re slowly coming back to normal life, and there seems to be this pressure to be “on”, to be constantly doing things. There’s almost this unspoken rule of needing to be happier now that it’s all over with. Everyone else seems to be succeeding at this, yet I still feel like I’m catching up with the new pace of things and recovering from the emotional turbulence of the past years. I feel anxious about returning back to society, going back to things as they were despite how much time was stolen from us—almost a year and a half. It feels like we should somehow get that time back, as if we should all just agree that birthdays during the pandemic didn’t count and we’re one year younger than we actually are.

we’re not getting any younger

The trap of self-comparison worsens as I get older, too, with the pressure to fall into a certain timeline becoming more and more prevalent. We’re told all our lives that there are certain things we need to have accomplished by a certain age, whether that’s starting a career or getting engaged and having kids. It’s hard to watch all of my friends meet those deadlines while still feeling directionless in my own. My parents add to the pressure too, although not purposefully. It feels as though that timeline is always in the back of my mind, these milestones that everyone else has achieved throughout their 20s. Every time I pass the age they were when they accomplished something, this feeling like I’m falling behind comes back with a vengeance.

Then there’s the guilt—God is constantly working for my best interests, so how can I complain? I know I have so much to be grateful for in my life; why can’t I just learn to appreciate it? Why isn’t it enough for me? Why don’t I feel good enough?

As I work through these emotions, there is one question I try to ask myself and find comfort in.

could the thing I’m envious of be something God wants to do in my life?

Perhaps I shouldn’t just shut down comparison and jealousy. Perhaps I should use these tools to enlighten my self-awareness instead. Perhaps I should examine myself in the mirror and think about how I spend my time.

Falling into the trap of self-comparison to the point where it becomes toxic to our mental health is, I know, a universal experience. We’ve all had thoughts of wishing we were different in some way, or wishing we had what others have, just like we’ve all had feelings of joy, anger, and sadness. There will always be someone who outperforms, has more, or appears to be happier.

But, for my sake and yours, let me put the truth out here: only in Him will we find our true identity, and when we find who we are, we find our path and purpose, the life He has given us to live.

This is something I’m constantly working on in my life, but I guess it’s such a beautiful thing that God has already revealed it to me.

Comparison robs, kills, and destroys our minds and hearts. It’s true. It’s what it’s done and continuously tries to do to me.

Our thoughts can be incredibly powerful, and that can either work for us or against us. I’m aiming for the former.

What about you? 🙂