Forewarning: This is a very serious post coming straight from my heart!

I know I’m always honest with you on this space, but I’m not normally THIS honest.

In the recent years, my life has been a whirlwind. I feel like I’ve been in a storm that picked me up one day and continued to spin me around for years. But I finally feel ready to share my story. The whole story (again, of the last few years). Full to the brim of my raw emotions that I’ve picked apart for divulging with you.

If you’re wondering why I’m writing this…

Then it’s because I know I need to get things off my chest. There’s also something therapeutic about knowing that I have this story written down on paper (or, online, I suppose). But you should know that opening up like this is a big deal for me. I’ve always been exceptionally good at hiding my true emotions and putting on a happy face to try and fool everyone into thinking I’m doing fine.

If you’ve been following this space and the journey I’ve been on, you probably couldn’t imagine that I’ve ever been really down with all the amazing places I’ve seen and experiences I’ve had along the way. But I think it’s time that I show you the shadows that lurk behind the exotic colors. It’s time that I start learning how to express my true feelings, especially with my family. But I’m starting with being more open with you. Because aside from the fact that I need to write this for me, I also know that I need to write this post for you. Because the truth is, life isn’t always as splendid as we make it out to be.

If you’re wondering why YOU should read this…

It’s because life can hit us hard. Sometimes it can do everything to try and knock us down. Last year, I hit rock bottom and I think I’ve been heading there for a while. The good news is that I wasn’t in the ground for too long, and I got back up again (I’ll explain later how I managed to do that). But it felt like forever. And the truth is, there were several times where I thought I wasn’t going to make it.

The main reason I think it’s important that I share this story with you now is because I want you to know that whatever’s going on in your life, no matter who you are and what you believe in, you too will one day be able to look at the past, present, and future of your life with the love that it deserves. Because now I’m through the worst of it, that’s how I feel. I’ve hit ‘publish’ on this story today in the hope that someone like you stumbles across it. That you read my story and feel inspired to face another day with strength and determination. Just like I do.

Let’s talk about how it all started

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when my life changed. I’d always been a go-getter, the upbeat type of person. My ingrained desire to bask in this glorious life was unquestionable from the day I was born. The sky couldn’t even keep a lid on my dreams!

Maybe everyone feels this way, but I always felt different from everyone else I knew. I felt things with a deep intensity (I still do). Out of my whole family, I’d always felt like the unique one (again, I still do). I never had many friends, and I’d always put it down to my somewhat odd personality. But I was happy. I had a goal to live an extraordinary life. A life so blazingly immersive that every inch of blood in my body would scream ‘I’M ALIVE!’ as it convulsed through my veins and made me tremble with a powerful feeling of intense euphoria.

I’ve never been unrealistic. I knew that life wasn’t simple. I knew that I had shackles gripping me tight that wouldn’t let me go without a fight. But this goal I had, the one that made me feel like a fugitive in my hometown, made me happy. I was so focused on this dream that I barely realized it when, very slowly, the lights around me started to go out.

A brief look back at my ‘insurgency’

One thing I can tell you for certain is that my life changed the day I decided to move abroad for the very first time to Singapore. The year was 2014 and I had just turned 21. I’d graduated from college and, even though I only had three months of ‘proper’ work experience with a Philippine government agency, I was already confident that I could take on the world!

There were two reasons why I decided to move to Singapore, but at the time I thought there was just one. The only reason I thought I moved was because living abroad was what I’d always wanted. I felt restless living at home, and I was ready to spread out my wings and fly! I only realize now that there was a second reason. It was whimsical and it was because I was trying to get over a broken heart – the ‘first love’ kind of broken heart.

Moving away from ‘home’ was liberating. I finally felt in charge of my daily decisions. But three months in, I’m already facing a terrifying confrontation. I was naïve, reckless, impulsive, and lacking the wisdom and experience I have today. A day came where I lied about something out of fear that I might have been judged or perceived as ‘inappropriate’ if I didn’t. This lie meant that, for the first time in my life, I spent days being questioned in a police station and felt anxious from being investigated–the kind where you have eyes on you–on a daily, in a foreign land.

If that isn’t something else for a well-educated 21-year-old, I’m not sure what is.

After those few weeks of terror, the day came when I had to leave Singapore. This was when the debt that would follow me around for the next few years first started. The employment agency who offered me the job demanded a monstrous sum of money for something akin to a ‘breach of contract’. My family helped pay my debts for me and I put them in huge financial jeopardy because of it.

Looking back at it now, all I can remember is feeling remorseful and completely ashamed of myself as I returned home. My friends and family didn’t see me as a failure, but I did. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw it plastered all over my face. But somehow, I managed to find security in myself once more. I ‘got over it’ in a fairly reasonable amount of time. Perhaps that was due to the fact that it was my ‘first’ failure. Maybe I was still a little numb. Or, maybe I was just putting on a brave face again for everyone else and managed to fool myself in the process.

Either way, I went on with my life and eventually found myself returning to Singapore. I was full of hope that this time would be better. I guess I was right, and it was better (somehow I think), because I stayed there for nearly two years after that. But, in honesty, it was a mixed bag of good and bad.

When 2016 came, I decided to leave Singapore and relocate to Dubai. This might have been when things really started to change. It was when the dark clouds first arrived, and I took the biggest risk in my life to try and escape them.

The first ‘big’ risk I ever took to change my life

I’d taken risks before when I was younger. Moving to Singapore and Dubai had been a risk, in a way. But they weren’t the same as the one I was about to take in 2018. There was something very different about this decision compared with the others I’d made before.

When I was living in Dubai, I had an okay job. I know some of you reading this might think that I was already living the life of my dreams. But the truth is, it didn’t feel that way. The first few months seemed to go well, and everything seemed to be very enjoyable. But it was short-lived. It was a considerably ‘wild’ season, to put it mildly.

I was compelled to stop and rethink.

I don’t know what was wrong with me, but suddenly I knew that something was wrong with how I looked at everyday life.

I began to despise everything I saw and encountered, even the smallest of things. When I looked to tomorrow, I felt cold, lifeless, and desperate. The mundaneness was bleeding me dry. Plus, the job I had gave me zero satisfaction. It didn’t fuel my passion at all. Every day I went to work doing something completed unrelated to what I actually wanted to do. The only reason I accepted it in the first place was because I needed to find a job before my three-month visit visa expired. I ended up stuck in it for way too long.

This was when I decided to quit

Although I didn’t just wake up one day and shout from the rooftops “I QUIT!”. This time, I wanted to feel ready.

I thought about it over and over again in the months leading up to that firm decision. The thought of doing it made my bones tremble with excruciating fear. But the thought of not doing it made me feel like spaghetti dribbling through a colander, slipping away down the drain.

So, I self-studied. I reverted to the role of a student. I watched ‘days in the life’ of other nomads. I figured out what activities made me tingle to my core. I trawled job opportunities and scoured the internet to find the right path for me. Finally, I had a break! An influencer I’d been following on Instagram for months offered me a gig creating videos all around the world – starting in Cape Town, South Africa and spreading across Europe and the rest of the world. The excitement was overwhelming!

But I didn’t want to make the wrong decision again. I debated taking it until my brain throbbed. Eventually, I made up my mind. I decided to take the risk and reach out for this glowing opportunity that grazed my fingertips. The skittish ideas started bubbling and tumbling out of my head. I decided to take out a loan before moving to cover all of my anticipated expenses and to launch my own business venture while in Cape Town.

This was when I quit my job and prepared to say goodbye to my old life in Dubai, and hello to the life I’d been dreaming about. I couldn’t be happier!

But it didn’t take long before everything crumbled

Within no time at all, everything failed. South Africa was a place that brightened my eyes with glorious views and filled my heart with pure joy. But things fell apart, once again. In just three months, I had to begrudgingly drag myself on a plane back home. Not to Dubai. Back to where everything started, at ‘home’ in the Philippines.

It wasn’t just that things didn’t work out in Cape Town that started to break me. It was the thought of everything I’d lost. I lost my ‘okay’ life in Dubai, the excitement of the new adventure traveling the world, the thrilling passion-led venture, and all that huge amount of money I’d just been loaned.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I lost something much bigger than all of that, too. A piece of me chipped away the day I left Cape Town and sunk to the bottom of those beautiful oceans. The same ones that had once made my heart soar.

I was back ‘home’ again and lost in a pit of despair

I don’t have any regrets about moving. Nowadays, I make sure I keep feelings of regret for another lifetime. But if I had to tell you a time where I felt like my entire sense of self started to change, it was probably at this point right here. Being home again was when those dark clouds started to brew once more. I’d battered them away when I decided to quit my job, but with nothing left to fight them, they started to rage.

When I moved back home to the Philippines, I retreated into myself. Instead of spending time with the people I love, I scurried away into a dark hole that had formed in my mind somewhere. I stopped seeing the few friends I had. My days were filled with unemployment and financial ruin. I disappeared into my own isolation for months on end, trying to block out the world I so desperately wanted to see before all this happened. All the while, my debts were quietly stacking up.

Looking back at it all, I can see that I lost my purpose. I felt like I’d failed at making it big and I was cutting myself off. My inability to open up to people and show them my sadness probably made the situation even worse. It was almost like I was waiting for something to happen. Something that would change everything.

And that something came.

I decided that enough was enough

After almost seven months of misery, I picked myself back up again. I decided to try to get out of the hole I was in the only way I knew how. By trying to grasp the life I once had before I moved to Cape Town. I reached out to my old job in Dubai and asked them to take me back. I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted, since I’d been so unhappy there before, or if I was just feeling a little desperate. Either way, they said yes. Plus, the job they offered me would be different this time. It was something that would allow me to do what I’m good at and what I actually enjoy doing.

That was all I needed to know to pack my bags and leave for Dubai again. I felt like no matter what happened this time, things would be better. I was full of hope and prosperity. I finally had a job that excited me and a mindset that allowed me to slowly start repaying my debts. I knew it would take a while before I was debt-free. But I felt like I was heading down the right path. I know now that I was always on the right path. But that doesn’t change how awful life became fourteen months later in Dubai…

When life shattered into pieces

In March 2020, I was diagnosed with cancer. Even though I’d heard the words, I couldn’t comprehend them. My mum had just been diagnosed with cancer herself, which was already hard enough on us all. Maybe this was why I struggled to come to terms with my own diagnosis. Or maybe it’s because something even worse happened shortly after.

Because just a few weeks later, the pandemic engulfed us all and ripped us from each other’s arms. The friends and family I’d spent so long isolating myself from, were now isolating themselves from me. And we had no choice. A simple hug became a danger.

At the time, I couldn’t see past the facts. I couldn’t see that there was a plan for us. I kept remembering how in the movies when someone is seriously ill, they are constantly surrounded by the strength of their loved ones. I was, too, but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t physically see or touch them. They couldn’t give me a hug when I needed one the most. Every single heart-breaking appointment and test I had, I was alone. I would always go to the hospital restroom to cry, but I couldn’t tell anyone because I was always seen to be just fine and strong. My doctor couldn’t even extend a comforting hand after giving the bad news. He just took a few steps back.

I’ve talked before on this space about how I crave freedom. It’s one of the main reasons why I moved abroad in the first place (and why I still move around even now). Being somewhere unfamiliar and living life on my own terms makes my heart race with excitement. It’s why being ‘home’ again after I’d just ‘failed’ in Cape Town dragged me into a corner of despair.

But, this time, it wasn’t being ‘home’ or feeling unhappy with the conventions of life that made me feel trapped. It was the law. And in most cases, it wasn’t physically possible to live my life with the independence I had before. In an instant, the thing I’d always treasured most in life was stripped from me in every way possible. I was trapped, unwell, and alone.

I took tumble after tumble

Cancer treatment is tough. Cancer treatment on your own is downright cruel. I was lucky enough to be put forward for surgery to remove the tumor that was trying to rupture my life. But there was a complication during my surgery. I awoke with Horner’s syndrome, a very rare complication with only a handful of cases reported in the literature, and which affects only about 1% of people who have the surgery I had (or so I’m told). The main scar it left me with was a permanently droopy right eye. There isn’t any treatment for it, although you can change the way it looks through cosmetic surgery. I was so in debt from my loan that I couldn’t even consider trying to ‘fix’ things.

Even though I was grateful for my surgery, this physical change to my body hit me where it hurt. I’d always loved my eyes, they were my favorite asset. Not only did they soak in the bewitching world around me, but I’d always loved how they made me look. This change was also the reason I began avoiding any opportunity to appear in front of a camera or be included in a photograph. I was already insecure, beaten down, and lost from these past few months (and years). And just like that day I flew back home after my trip to Cape Town, another piece of me flaked away.

And the storm was too strong…

Months went on and I fell into a deep depression. For the next six months that followed, I was consumed by the raging storm that had been quietly hanging over me the last few years. I tried to find a way out by searching online for support groups and virtual counselors, but nothing seemed to help. I was lost in the rain.

That’s when the tornado hit. I plummeted. I’m devastated to admit that I even tried to take my own life. It was terrifying and I still can’t believe I did it, but I was so low that I couldn’t see another way out of the storm. The only person that knew was my boyfriend. He was crushed. Scared. Heartbroken. Looking for me to tell him that I didn’t mean to hurt him, and I was sorry.

But I couldn’t apologize for how I felt. It was what I thought I had to do. This was me, at my very lowest.

A break through the clouds

Despite everything, I kept going. That ‘sky’s the limit’ attitude I had when I was younger was dragged to the surface once more. I knew that ‘being out there’ lit up my heart. I set my mind on starting over to find the freedom I desperately needed to feel again. I thought that if I relocated somewhere new, I’d get a fresh start. A chance to reset my mind. I made the decision with every part of me that I had left to look for work in a new country… despite the fact that I was still being treated.

Rejection after rejection followed. Each one of those dreaded emails kicked me further into the corner with tears staining my cheeks.

But I finally saw a break through the clouds. Just when I thought I couldn’t take any more ‘sorry you’re not what we want’ messages, a company based in Germany offered me a job. My new lease of life was inescapably in sight!

The company liked me so much that they were even willing to wait for me through COVID and the dreaded visa application process. I knew then that I had something. Something to get me through every day from here on. All I had to do was keep my faith and look towards the future.

And I stayed strong

I made plans to attend an appointment to discuss my second round of cancer treatment. I was with my doctor for less than an hour – me tucked away in one corner and him in the other. As soon as I came home, I felt sick to my stomach. I had caught COVID in that short space of time, and the symptoms were already intense and overpowering. My immune system was so low from the treatment preparation that it hit me immediately.

Thinking about it now, that bout of illness might have been a wake-up call. It made me terrified of dying, because I thought I was going to this time. “Killing two birds with one stone” was a rather negative remark in my case. I’d call my boyfriend and friends late at night crying my heart out, rambling desperately that I was facing my end. The idea of ending my life disappeared into a fog of terror. All I wanted to do was hang on for a little while longer and get through this.

That’s when someone reached out a hand

Or, at least, that’s what it felt like. I know now that God just had another plan for me. But, at the time, it felt like a miracle. Just a few days before I was due to receive my second treatment, my COVID cleared, and I tested negative. It was at that moment that I saw everything with breathtaking clarity. He had been there for me, every step of the way. He’d been holding me close and carrying me through my pain, even though I couldn’t always see it. The dark clouds began to part, and I could see that He was there behind them this whole time, guiding me to take the next step on my life’s journey, just the way He’d planned.

I knew then that there was one thing that I hadn’t done yet. I hadn’t run to Jesus. It was at this point that I put everything in His hands. I know I never lost my faith at any time during these turbulent years, but I’ve spoken before about how, at times, this quaking life had made me feel shaky. But now I know that this was the path I was always meant to be on.

But my faith was already being tested

I thought I’d gotten a reprieve from the lows. The desire of my new life that was waiting for me in Germany slowly started to slip away. When I felt like I couldn’t take a single hit more, my national visa for employment was rejected… again. It had been rejected before, but this time my lawyer appealed it and I thought everything would be fine. But it wasn’t and I was all out of ways to get around it. The Consulate cited the same reason that was cited in the appeal—my Bachelor’s degree was not comparable to the German’s Bachelor’s degree. They turned the appeal down despite the fact that we had presented an official document from a German authority stating that taking up employment in my case is not a problem. Even though the company loved me for everything they saw in who I was, it all came down to a description of me on paper. It was the definition of kicking someone when they were down. It was like everything I had tried to do to keep going, life kept saying no. I crumpled. I cried out to Jesus, asking why and why do these things continue to happen.

I listened…

And it made me stand tall

He had bigger and better plans for me (you’ll find out in a few).

What I couldn’t be more confident about now is that I’m still here, standing strong. I’m at a point in my life where I have no idea where I’m headed. But I have full faith in Him and His plans. I’m learning to accept what is and isn’t meant for me. His silent companionship that I know I’ve had this whole time gives me huge comfort when I look back on these years passed. Every decision I made was my own, but I was never alone in making them.

It has been a relentlessly tough few years, but I’m so tremendously grateful for all the experiences I’ve had. The good times and the bad times haven’t just enriched my character as a person. Nowadays, I feel more resilient than I ever have before. And, most importantly, my faith has never been stronger.

If you’re wondering where I am now…

Then please rest assured that my outlook on life isn’t the same as it was back then, and it’ll never be like that ever again. I’m absolutely in good spirits. I know with absolute certainty now that God made me this tough, daring and adventurous person. A person who overcomes, takes bold risks and lives with a fierce sense of independence. Someone who loves our entire world and all it has to offer, and wants to soak up as much goodness from it as possible. And He did that for a reason.

Right now, I’m continuing this incredible journey through life. I’m on a mission to revive everything I’ve lost – my passion to create, my heart to make a difference, and my dream to see the world. I am still a resident of Dubai, but, technically, not on its soil. I’m writing this from somewhere in western-central Europe. And that’s because I took a leap of faith and asked the CEO of the company I work for in Dubai to allow me to work remotely–allowing me to be an official nomad. The happiest tear-jerking moment was when he said yes!

I realized right then and there that this was God’s plan for me. The rejection of my visa appeal, as well as the reason why my Cape Town adventure did not turn out as I had hoped, all made perfect sense.

For me, this is the start of a new adventure, all over again. Except this time, it’s different. I’ve been through so much and I now have the knowledge that I don’t have to be afraid anymore of how He’s going to shape my life. He is the God who somehow makes everything beautiful in its time. I can take this next step with the incredible wisdom that these last few years have given me.

And I’m so grateful

There’s one thing that I haven’t mentioned during this story. That is that, even though my life has been overcast for a while, there have been rays of sunshine that my vision blurred many times over these last few years. Those rays of light were my wonderful family, an amazing boyfriend, and supportive friends. These days I can see their light brighter than ever and I know I have them with me as I take this next step. I know I need to be more open with them and accept the help they are willing to give.

Now that I know myself more than I ever have before, my self-love has grown into a forest that I know will protect me from any future storms. My right eye still droops, but I’ve come to accept that it’s a part of me and the way I look. I’m still a cancer patient, but life doesn’t feel so limiting anymore. My risk-taking mindset has led me to have the most incredible life experiences that have built my character like no other, and I finally feel like I’m in a good place because of it. A place where I’m once again hopeful as I look towards the future with everything I’ve learned in my living years so far.

Going through so much has turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because I have nothing but stories to tell and an even better version of myself, and I can see that God’s plan for me is being carried out.

So that’s the story! what about yours?

Even though this has been hugely therapeutic for me to write, I did say that I wasn’t sharing this post just for me. My story of the last few years might be unique, but I know that the feelings aren’t. I don’t know your story, but if there’s one thing you take away from reading this today, then I hope it’s this…

No matter what’s going on in your life that’s led you to read this today, I want you to know that it’s all part of the process and that you’re going to be okay–I know this is something that many people say, but it’s only because it is true, really. Jesus has already created the perfect plan for our lives before we were even born. We can hold this close and remember that there is no need for us to worry. Even when the storms are raging like they were for me, He will never, ever abandon us. We just have to remember that the faithfulness of God sees us through the storms of life, and when we acknowledge that, we create space for Him to show up and show off in our weaknesses. It’s also important to remember to wipe your eyes every so often and look at the people you have around you. They are there for you and they want you to share your true self with them.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this!

If you’re still here reading this, I can’t thank you enough. This agonizing message from my heart was a difficult thing for me to put together, but I’m so glad I did it for you.

I truly hope this glimpse into the story of my life so far inspires you to keep on living and breathing another day, with the strength and bravery that you deserve. Because I genuinely believe (and maybe my story is proof) that things do get better!

This is also just the beginning of me being more open. Because now that I’ve finally opened up, I can’t wait to keep on doing it! I decided to turn my story into a memoir of this daring and faith-filled life God has given me, and I hope that it will touch someone’s life in the same way that this space hopes.

Again, thaaaank youuuuu! 🙂