When relationships get hard, we tend to wonder, is it just a rough patch, or is it us? When you have invested your heart, it’s hard to realize when it’s time to call it quits. The amount of damage my past relationships caused me stemmed from my inability to recognize when to walk away. At times, I blame my belief in entering a relationship with the intention of marriage, because I’m always the one who holds on even when the other person has already decided to let go. Nonetheless, through my experiences of heartbreak and healing, I’ve gained knowledge of what it truly means to be done.

We can’t really choose what relationships will work and what relationships won’t work, but we can absolutely choose which ones we fight for and which ones we walk away from. But how do we know when to stop fighting? I mean, from an outside perspective, it seems easy to leave. Yet, it is so much more when you are the one deciding. Why must it be so hard? Why does someone stay in an almost non-existent relationship for so long? Is it the memories they gave us? Or the butterflies we still feel from time to time? Is it love-struck stupidity that blinds us to reality? Is it the clenching feeling of our hearts collapsing in our stomach when we hear the words “it’s over”, “I want to be alone”, “I don’t know what I want”, or “I can’t do this anymore”? Blindly, we go back to the same person hoping they can make us feel “alive” once again. I mean seriously, there is a huge list of reasons to simply walk away, but it’s just unbelievably hard to simply walk away.

Time to Let Go

Disagreements and relationship-changing fights are bound to happen in relationships. It is actually normal and healthy to argue. With arguments comes compromise. However, when a compromise goes against what you stand for, that is a red flag. The moment you are sacrificing your truth and you are consciously aware you are doing so, that is the way to tell if the relationship has changed in the wrong direction. When these compromises go against your values, leaving you anxious and hopeless, that is when it’s time to leave.

The beautiful thing about a relationship is being vulnerable. But when your vulnerability and truth are manipulated by your partner, you need to let go. You must always stay true to yourself. When you feel you have negatively changed for your partner, your relationship will go on a disastrous route.

Time to Fight

When things get tough, it’s difficult to see the bigger picture. You need to take a step back and remember why you got into this relationship in the first place. Look at your current relationship. Has it grown in the direction you wanted? If it has, then fight. Prove you want them. That small reassurance could just be enough for you and your partner to push through an argument. I feel like after a while of dating, you forget about the small reassurances such as compliments and simple physical touch. The small things allow the relationship to feel youthful again. If you feel distant, even when focusing on small things, you might not be on the same page. In a successful relationship, you must grow in the same direction in order to stay together. One of the best relationship advice I was given was this:

“You’re both going to change a lot in life. If you really want to stay together forever, you are going to need to change in the same direction.”

I know, I know, this contradicts my statement, “We can’t really choose what relationships will work…” But the romantic in me likes to believe we, as humans, are in fact, capable of choosing who we grow and stay with, whether that is consciously or unconsciously. If you can truly say this person brings out the best in you and you want to be their forever, you and the universe will find a way to fight through anything.

The Dilemma

I think this is the hardest part of it all – fighting the dilemma. You love the person too much to give up, but you also think about letting go because you want them to be happy.

I guess it just sucks to realize you’re no longer a part of this person’s happiness. The question now is, how do you follow through on this realization?