For the first time in our nearly four-year relationship, my boyfriend and I attended a wedding event together–one I’m crossing off the list! My boyfriend’s best friend got married exactly a week ago, and I was ecstatic for three reasons: (1) the above-mentioned, (2) it was my first time attending a German wedding, and (3) I simply loooove attending these big celebrations. There’s just something inexplicable about seeing two people make the most important decision of their lives, especially when that exact moment arrives when they begin exchanging those “Yes, I dos.” Aaaahhhhh, believe me, my mind goes completely blank at this point… until that aching thought pops into my head…

“Will I ever have the same?”

And that question has been stuck in my head for a week now, and now I’m here ranting about it, hoping that getting it off my chest will also clear my head of it. Is it, however, just me being my usual self, worrying excessively? Overthinking? Perhaps. But perhaps not. Because, despite the fact that I am now in a long-term relationship and that many of my friends and family have asked when I intend to marry, I can honestly say that I don’t know. I just don’t know if my boyfriend and I will end up together…

The marriage phenomenon

Well, it feels as if each year brings more weddings than the last. I continue to see so many couples I know profess their love for each other in front of friends and family at their dream wedding. While I’m so happy for those who are committing to their partner for life, each year it gets just a little bit harder to remind myself that it’s okay that I’m not married yet. I want so badly to stay up all night deciding on the perfect bridal dress to wear and be surrounded by my loved ones as I tie the knot, but I’m trying hard to remind myself that it will happen when it’s supposed to.

Not to mention that I am nearing the otherwise terrifying age of 30, and it seems like the majority of my friends, or simply everyone I know, are either engaged, getting married, or having children, which brings out insecurities in me that I wish I could ignore. I talked about my experience with comparison in my previous article, and this is exactly what I meant. I compare where I am in my life to where I feel like I should be and where other people are, and even though I know it’s not fair to do that to myself, I can’t help it at times, especially when you’re attending a wedding (oof!).

I’m bearing my heart and soul to all of you right now, and it’s incredibly scary, but I guess I just want you to know that you’re not alone if you feel like you’re “behind” in some aspects of life.

You see, I’m in a happy and healthy relationship…

But I don’t want to rush my boyfriend into marriage. It’s so confusing–you’re supposed to communicate what you want to your partner, but not too much or else it could be considered nagging… I just don’t know how to find the balance. I love my boyfriend and want to get married to him. Though I have told him this, I don’t see any proposal in sight. To top it off, our relationship is a long distance, and will remain so in the absence of a plan to stay close to each other. I guess being so far apart from one another, without even the commitment of an engagement, makes some anxious feelings bubble up. What if he never marries me? What if he doesn’t truly love me? It’s that poison of comparison that’s getting to me. I KNOW what he feels for me, and I believe him in every way… but I’m struggling with the wait… that makes me doubt everything.

And because of kids, there is added timeline pressure as a woman

It’s something that men seem to not fully grasp; not only do women face societal pressure to get married, there’s also biological pressure if we want to have kids. I know I have to focus on one step at a time, but I can’t help feeling like my time to decide if I want to be a mom is slipping away. Not only does this add to the intensity of the situation, but it can feel a bit isolating to have to make that decision alone.

On top of seeing friends get married, I’m starting to see my friends have kids–some are even on their second or third child already! It feels a little bit like I’m 2 steps back from where I’m “supposed” to be. Logically, it’s not fair to compare the chapters of your own book to that of someone else’s, but it’s just so hard when the majority of your peers seem to be in a different spot in life than you are.

At the end of it all, I’m happy with the life I have built

I know I have done things in my life that some people only dream of. I have gotten to travel, live abroad in multiple places, and meet so many different people along the way. I’m so blessed; I truly love my life. I try to keep this in mind when I feel the comparison bug starting to creep into my thoughts. It’s important to remind myself of the things I HAVE done that I’m proud of, and it has been an incredibly helpful practice in trying to remain patient with myself.

While I have faced hardships along the way, I am grateful every day to be where I am. I think it’s important that we talk about the fact that these two feelings can co-exist: pride and self-doubt, or self-assurance and second-guessing. I can still question my circumstances while being grateful for the amazing pieces. It’s the idea that we can’t be both of these things at once that, I think, makes women keep things locked inside. I’m trying to break down walls for all of us, starting with my own.

I find incredible comfort in His plan; I know I am taken care of

Getting stronger in my faith has allowed me to feel some peace about the things I can not control. While my anxieties and questions about my future still exist, I trust in God and what He has planned for me. Up to this point, He hasn’t let me down, and I’m holding onto that. The path forward may not look like what I envisioned when I was younger, but I know that it will be divinely mine.

Everyone has a different relationship with God and faith in general, but it is something I immediately turn to when I’m feeling alone in a struggle. I also remind myself that I have an amazing support system. I have a wonderful family, friends, and partner who all love me, and I have all of you! Thank you for being such a wonderful space for me to share all my thoughts and experiences–the good and the bad.

I’ll be eating wedding cupcakes and dancing my way through comparison

Comparison is a normal part of life, but my goodness, it’s not fun. Comparison robs us of joy and makes us forget what we are grateful for. It’s hard to look around in my close circle, on social media, and society, and feel inadequate because of where I am at in life. Will I get married? I hope so. Does it have to be something I rush into because I feel like I should? Absolutely not. I’m a constant work in process, but my personal goal is to release the feeling of comparison so I don’t lose sight of what’s important.

You see, I could spend my time feeling sad, questioning myself, and doubting my partner… or I could take my favorite human to another friend’s wedding and tear it up on the dance floor. As usual, I’m choosing option 2. 🙂