If I were to say a word that best describes how I feel these days, I will have to say ‘shaking’.

Over the last few months, there’s been an unexplainable growing feeling of anxiety and exhaustion that has led to this present state of my life. And evidently, I seem to have found myself being stretched into something different, something raw, through very subtle and baby steps. But I figured the answer was right in front of my eyes, and I, as a human being, as a sinner, was blind enough not to see it. The weariness that continuously drains all my energy isn’t merely because of the disappointments or rejections that kept me crying in the most remote corner of the house, but because I was, or perhaps still am, walking down this road on my own. More often than not, I allow myself to suffer and feel a great sense of despair for days, even weeks, whenever I see myself at the losing end of a battle that will easily lead me to feel alone and forgotten. It seems that living in a fallen world where lies easily blind us from the truth and being righteous feels so wrong because the world doesn’t like it is much harder than any human being can possibly imagine, no matter how much effort we make to wrap ourselves up in our own forms of security and comfort. For many years now, I’ve been getting weaker and feeling worn out repeatedly. And I most certainly do feel every single cell in my body now crying out for joy and longing for peace.

I figured my life was shaking because something was missing — Jesus.

I read something that highly spoke to me this afternoon and it goes like this — It’s not what happens to us that matters, it’s how we respond that makes the difference. The writer of Psalm 119 had a lot to say about trouble. Evidently he had suffered so much that he had become a sort of expert in the field. And this reminds us forcefully that God is intimately involved in our troubles. Nothing happens—no matter how bad it may seem—by accident.

I’m at a crossroads in my life where I have no idea where I’m going, especially in the coming months. Although there’s no denying that there is this one thing that I’ve been praying for—or more like desiring for—for the longest time now, I keep reminding myself to stop taking control and allowing God to take over my life instead. While I remain a fallen, broken, sinful human being, I know that all this is not about me, but about God and His plans, love and mercy for me. These troubles that I find to shake my life in every possible way are here to make me realize, once again, that I need only Him and His teachings that I can’t ever learn any other way.

In any case, it is only by His grace that I am able to share this part of me again. I take comfort in the truth that God will never stop loving and pursuing me, us, and He will never go silent about His plan to better shape our lives and make us victorious in whatever battle we face in this fallen world.