It’s way past midnight. I can hardly sleep.

I used my thoughts as my ink to clear my brain of the gunk. I got out of bed and ran to get my journal. Out of the room, a cup of tea, and then back again. I wrote my heart out aimlessly, with every stroke my pen made. The intensity of my anger shifted from profound annoyance to extreme rage. I realized that all the things I hated in that very moment were really the things I loved most about it.

I hate that it’s been raining for two months now, but I love that it gives me an excuse to stay in and watch my series.

I hate that I’m hours away from the city, but I love that this has been my least busy life and that I have an enormous amount of time to lie down, rest, reflect, dream, and plan.

I hate that I feel everything so intensely, but I love that it makes me think deeply and helps me patch myself up.

I hate that people come and go, but I love that the best ones stay.

I hate that relationships are challenged, but I love that they stretch and challenge me in ways I don’t want to be stretched or challenged.

I hate that a few things, especially my patience, have their limits, but I love that they bring me back to the very definition of love.

Most of all, I hate that it’s so difficult to be kind when I have no kindness left in my heart… but I love that my heart bounces back easily, especially for the people I care about most.

I don’t have it all together right now. I’m feeling all the feels, picking up on all the hints I may have overlooked – the good, the bad, and the ugly – trying not to make decisions based on emotions, and choosing to carry on with a fearlessly loving and grateful heart.